An Evening Ruined
by Kariisu
Summary: As the saying goes: If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen. Link's POV, IkeXMarth
1. Chapter 1: An Evening Ruined

**An Evening Ruined**

After a gruesome brawl with King Dedede and his crew of tricky Waddle-Dees and Gordos, I had dedicated the rest of the day to a hardy meal. Much too hungry to wait for Princess Peach to cook dinner and too tired to go to my dorm room, I took off my belt where I keep my bombs and boomerangs, and tucked it under my arm, leaving the belt that holds my sheath to the Master Sword on my back. I dragged my feet lazily to the kitchen to prepare myself anything Kirby hadn't already eaten.

As I was about to push through the doors prepared to make my feast I heard a sudden clash of pots and pans, and paused letting my hand lay on the door's surface. _That's odd… Princess Peach doesn't cook dinner until six o'clock, an hour from now, and Zelda and Kirby are scheduled for a brawl at this time._

I squatted and slowly pushed the door hoping to get a peek at who could be in the kitchen without whoever it was seeing me, and stopped when I heard Prince Marth.

"Ike, please pick up your pace." I heard the dishes clashing again as Prince Marth ordered Ike.

I put my ear against the door still crouching down.

The clanking of the pans and pots stopped. "I think it's best if I start out gently," Ike stated.

"What if someone catches us?" Marth muttered.

My jaw dropped. _I think I know all too well what they're doing in there. _

"Hey, Link!"

As I stood up out of being startled, I hit my head against whoever was hovering over me causing us both to fall.

Pit rubbed his hands along his chin. "What was that for!?"

I heard on the other side of the door "Did you hear something?"

"You're just imagining things. Now shall we continue where we left off?"

I slapped my hands against Pit's big mouth. "Nmph!"

"Ssh!" I nearly spat on his face.

"Mhy?" (Why?)

"Uh… Master Hand is sleeping." Hands obviously don't sleep, but I didn't want Pit walking in on _that_. I let go of his mouth, hoping he would buy it.

He thought for a moment. "I'm not stupid, Link. Now what's really up?"

My hands fidgeted, and I couldn't look him in the eye.

I inhaled. Explaining that two men were having sex in the kitchen to a kid wasn't the easiest thing to do, and I just couldn't lie to Pit again. So I just said it. "DON'TGOINTHEREBECAUSETHEREARETWOMENHAVINGSEXINTHEKITCHEN."

Pit stared at me blankly. "…What?"

Sighing, I repeated myself, fixing some of my earlier poor choice of words. "Don't go in there, because Ike and Prince Marth are a bit… intimate at the moment." I felt my face burning.

I don't know if Pit knew what I was trying to say, but he just brushed passed me. "What are you talking about?" he said while laughing.

I dashed between Pit and the kitchen door, hands and legs spread out, so he would have no way of entering.

"Link, please step aside."

"W-Why? You have no reason to go in there!"

"Before you fractured my chin and slapped my face, I was going to get a juice box. Now if you'll excuse me…"

"Wait! I'll go in first!" Not that I wanted to. I just wanted to make sure they… cleaned up before Pit would see their earlier actions. As much as I digressed seeing Prince Marth and Ike… doing their business, Pit was worth it. I shuddered at the thought. By this time, I had forgotten all about my dinner.

Pit crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

I faced the door eyes closed and head bowed down. _What are they thinking anyways!? And in the kitchen? Where we prepare our food?_ I turned green. _Who knows how many times they've done this…_

"I WILL NOT TOLERATE IMMORAL ACTIONS!!" I burst through the kitchen doors with the Master Sword and my shield in hand.

"Er… Can we help you, Link?" Ike and Prince Marth were perfectly clothed and _not_ eating each other's faces. Ike, looking like he was about to die, was preparing some sort of brownie or cake batter with a whisk. Prince Marth had occupied himself to retrieving a large pan of roasted chicken from the oven. He glanced at Ike for a moment. "Ike, I told you to mix it faster. At this rate, dessert won't be ready by the time the other smashers are done with dinner."

Ike just continued on his own pace. "Don't rush me. It'll be done right on time."

I slammed my head against the counter with a loud thump, trying to forget what I had assumed earlier.

Pit skipped merrily across from me, greeting the two swordsmen with a bow. "Good evening, Prince Marth, Ike."

"Are you okay, Link?"

"Y-Yeah…" I was only able to mutter it since my lips were practically kissing the counter.

Pit opened the refrigerator bobbing his head up and down searching for his juice box. "So why isn't Princess Peach cooking today?" he asked while retrieving his box.

"Mario was knocked unconscious in a brawl against Ganondorf, and was sent to the infirmary." Prince Marth tasted his broth in between talking to Pit. "She wants to stay by his side until he wakes up."

Ike continued the explanation. "So Prince Marth had volunteered us to cook dinner in place of Princess Peach for tonight."

"But I thought I heard Prince Marth say someone was going to catch you guys?" I tilted my head. "Catch you doing what?" _If they weren't getting… intimate, _I shuddered again_, then what were they doing?_

Prince Marth smiled. "I would prefer you know me for my abilities on the battlefield; not in the kitchen."

"And I don't think anyone would want to eat unless they knew it was Princess Peach's cooking so we had to hurry it up before anyone saw us," Ike added.

Marth turned around. "You know how picky the smashers get."

I mentally sighed. "Well, I guess I better get going…" I headed out the door, Pit flying next to me, happily sipping his juice.

Ike and Prince Marth waved their utensils at us as we exited the kitchen. "Dinner will be ready in an hour."

"Bye, guys," Pit cheered. I could only mumble a "Mm."

"Later, Link." He stretched his wings. "I think I'll hit the hay right now. My face still hurts from your idiocy." Pit giggled at that last sentence, but I couldn't tell if he was joking or not.

I sighed deeply and leaned against the door, eyes closed.

I could feel him fly closer to me, the wind from his wings making my hair sway. "You look tired, too, Link. Get some rest."

Eyes still closed, I replied "I guess I'll go to bed now." _Maybe getting away from the kitchen would erase some of those images._

Our rooms were on opposite sides of the manor. I walked towards the West Wing, while Pit went otherwise.

Pit turned around and waved goodnight. "Sweet dreams."

"Don't count on it."

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**LINK WILL NOT TOLERATE IMMORAL ACTIONS!**

I am such a pervert for Ike and Marth. And Link? I just love to scar him, whether physically or mentally. This is my first time writing fanfiction, so be gentle now.


	2. Chapter 2: Expect the Unexpected

**Expect the Unexpected**

I waved goodbye to Pit, and made my way to my room. As I stepped into the hallway, I heard my stomach growl. _Oh, right. That's why went in the kitchen in the first place._ I gripped the area over my waist in order to stop my stomach's excessive noise-making. I was a few steps away from opening the door, when I heard Prince Marth squeal.

The utensils I had seen earlier, now sounded like they were being carelessly thrown to the ground. "Ike! N-Not with the cake batter!" I stopped for a moment to take a moment to listen.

"Will you trust me on this? I know what I'm doing. Now relax…" They began whispering.

By now, I had erased all possibilities of intimacy from my mind and casually walked through the doors. "Hey, guys, I'm back. I actually needed to-" I paused at the sight before me.

Ike had poured the mix of cake I had seen him stirring earlier all over Prince Marth's chest, which was completely exposed, and was licking it off of the Prince's chest. His left hand had the Prince strained and his right hand, bowl still in hand, continuing to stream out the sticky cake batter. His back was leaning against the counter, Prince Marth's hands gripping the counter's edge behind him.

Prince Marth was the first to break this awkward silence. "This isn't-" Before he could finish sentence I had ran out the door to the nearest toilet, and find a therapist who could someway make this moment right.

Ike nonchalantly averted his gaze back to Prince Marth, and began licking the batter around the Prince's nipple. "Now where were we?"

* * *

**Author's Note:**

**LINK STILL WILL NOT TOLLERATE IMMORAL ACTIONS!**


End file.
